Does the way we give birth determine how we parent?

Date: 2011.10.15 | Category: Birth | Tags:

When my babies were babies, it was clear to me that the way they entered the world laid the foundation for our relationship. My son was born at a time of many changes in my life. When he was born into my own two hands, with nobody present but his older sister, it was symbolic of a promise I made to my family: I am responsible for you, and I am here to do what it takes, no matter what the circumstances, to ensure your safety and happiness.

While homebirth was a choice I specifically made for reasons of medical integrity and safety (I’ve written about the state of our second-world, post-communist maternity system many times before), it was certainly a peaceful, simple, family event. When my son was born, he was surrounded by his family. The moment he entered this world, we were at home and together – without any outside interference, and without any drama.

He looked into my eyes peacefully, and his big sister got to welcome him immediately. My son’s peaceful and gentle birth did lay the foundation for a peaceful and gentle relationship between the two of us. More than after my daughter’s midwife-assisted homebirth I felt confident as a mother, and did not have the need to look outside for advice on how to parent. We simply were, and laboring and birthing alone was how that started.

Some people suggest that the way we give birth determines how we parent. Some even suggest that the way we were born ourselves determines what kind of person we become. A friend of mine, who gave birth by cesarean section, attended a meditation class to “help those born by c-section heal”. The alternative psychologist who led the class brought parents who gave birth by c-section and people who were themselves brought into the world by cesarean together, and led a rebirth session to heal the wounds of both.

If that sounds silly to you, you are not alone. If it sounds somewhat unethical to you, you are not alone either. I don’t believe that those delivered by c-section are born emotionally scarred. I don’t believe a toddler’s tantrum-throwing can be “blamed” on the c-section his mother had, or that c-section mothers automatically have trouble attaching to their children. Sure, traumatic births followed by a long NICU stay can impact both mother and baby. But… how important is the moment of birth and the circumstances we were in at that time, really?

Nearly three years after my son’s unassisted birth, I almost never think about the day he was more anymore. Today, I am a busy working and homeschooling parent who is grateful to be the mother of my two children… and birth doesn’t deserve a second thought. That explains why I have taken a long pause from writing on this blog.

Birth matters.

The way in which we will give birth immensely matters when we are pregnant and need to make the best possible decision on how to bring our baby into the world. The care we receive and the decisions we make, or that are sometimes made on our behalf, matters to women who are in labor and giving birth. Birth matters, too, in those first months of a baby’s life.

A baby’s and a mother’s physical and emotional safety during birth can impact us positively or negatively, depending on the circumstances. A traumatic birth can send us off into postpartum depression, and a peaceful, healthy birth can help us be a good parent.

But does the way in which we give birth determine how we parent? I don’t think so, not in the long term.